Friday, February 8, 2013

Uncontrollable Emotions

Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair—these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you can't get off.
I remember friends saying to us that the NICU was a roller coaster ride…and they knew all about this, their fraternal twins were born at 25.5 weeks.  But I look back now and realize the NICU has NOTHING on grief, on loss of a child, especially on loss of one twin.  I think I felt bipolar for most of the first year of Cameron’s life…my emotions were everywhere.  I hated it, thought I was not doing well, not healing well…I felt like I should be so much further ahead.  Instead I felt like crawling into bed and never coming out.
Stay on the ride. You cannot hurry the grieving process. Each time one of these emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering.
Wow…a sign I am recovering… that just makes me feel so much better.  I thought it was a bad thing. I don’t so much now and will admit that the come and go emotions aren’t as prevalent…but they are there and they hit me like a ton of bricks when they do come because they are just so unexpected. 

"All the feelings, thoughts, and emotions rush back into my life. It's uncontrollable," says Dr. Norman Peart.
Someone once told me though that when I was feeling this intense sadness, feeling so much loss, missing Cole so much that I could not stop crying…that those were the moments that he was telling me he missed me too. 

But God is always in control. He is a solid rock, unmoving and unchanging. Build your life's foundation on Him.
Now I think that God was controlling that and helping me to know that He had Cole safe in his arms and that Cole missed his mommy but he was safe with Jesus and waiting for me…that it was going to be ok. 

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock" (Matthew 7:24-25).

God had my back, he had my front, he had my heart.. he didn’t let grief get the best of me. 

Lord, I was so lost before and didn’t understand that you were helping me hang on for the endurance of the ride. Help me to continue to see this, to feel you when I am missing my son and to come to you when I feel like my emotions are all over the place.  You are a constant presence through my ups and downs. Amen.

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