When life seems to be spinning out of control, you may grasp whatever reins you can find and hang on. Holding those reins gives you a sense of being in control, not only of your life but, more specifically, of your emotions. Emotions can be frightening because they are the least controllable aspect of your nature. Men in particular feel the need to be in control.
I am not a man, obviously, but I am someone who likes to be in control. I remember when my water first broke and I ended up back at Mt. Sinai in Toronto again I was really struggling with my emotions. I mean here I was 3 weeks post loss of one baby, facing the very early delivery of another, one whose prognosis was not good. I met with a social worker and when she asked me what was bothering me the most I realized it was the lack of control I had over my life. I could not move backwards and could not move ahead in my grief either as my dead son was still trapped in his earthly body inside my body. I could not prepare for his arrival, for the only moments I would get as a 'twin mom', the only time I would have my sons together. I hated it, hated every second of it. I wanted to be the one deciding everything and instead someone else decided everything for me... when I ate, what I ate, when I could leave my room and ultimately what was happening to my life.
"Most men are high on control," says Jim Grassi. "When tragedy strikes, it's a loss of control. You realize just how small you are in the scheme of things and that God is really the One in control. You must release that control and give it back to God and allow Him the full authority in your life."
I did not want to that, I did not want God to have control even though I knew he had it. It was so hard for me to accept that God had this one covered and I was just part of his plan.
Romans 8: 6-13
6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ.10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e]his Spirit who lives in you.
12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
Holy Spirit, I longed for that life and peace and I had no idea how to find it. I was so lost and felt so alone. But you were there for me when the fight to be strong had depleted the last of my so-called resources. Thank you for taking my life and leading me on the journey of healing. Amen.