Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Doubt No More

Heavenly Father;
Today I am filled with doubt.... self doubt.  I feel overwhelmed with what is expected of me and don't think I can possibly get it all done.  I feel like a failure for not being organized, not being able to complete things on time or without tonnes of stress.  My devotion today is about doubt....doubting you and doubting Jesus.
I believe that I don't doubt you in that I don't doubt that you are here, there, everywhere.  I don't doubt that Jesus came to save us.
But I do have doubts....and if I have doubts in anything then I have doubts in you.  You have the strength to get me through this.  You have the power to help me to organize my life better, to complete what needs to be done when it needs to be done.  You can remove this stress from me.  All I need to do is ask right?
Then why don't I ask?  Why do I think I am alone on this?  Why do I think there is no way I'll ever get it together?  I don't know.  I just don't have answers....but again, you do.
I need to learn that every problem is my life is not mine alone.  Every thing I feel overwhelmed with needs to be given up to you.
God I am coming to you, on my knees (figuratively as I can't type from my knees) and asking you to help me.  Remove this cloud of doubt that the enemy has poured over me.  Show me how I can do it. Help me find the time in my day to get all that needs to be done, done.  Show me how to be better organized.  Help me to prioritize. But  most of all God, help me to forgive myself when things don't go as I planned so that I am not caught up in the doubts and convinced things will never change.
God you are ever present in my life.  Help me to see that.  Help me to see that I can come to you with anything and you hand will be on it.
Lord I want to serve you.  I want to be a vessel in which others see you and your amazing grace. Mold me Lord into the woman, the wife, the mother, the child, the friend, the teacher that you wish for me to be.
Open my eyes to all that you have already done...remind me that I am moving ahead, that I have come far.  I thank you for how far you have already taken me.
Bless this day Lord.  Make it full of promise and confidence, not full of doubt.
Be with me today Lord and be with all who I love.

Friday, October 25, 2013

The Choice of Forgiveness, the Idol of Unforgiveness

Good morning Father God!
Today I thank you for the snow you have brought to us.  It might not be my favourite season but the beauty of it is not lost on me.
I praise you once again for the opportunities to be in your word.  When Geoff's hours at work first changed I was feeling a bit angry. Selfishly I wanted to have my morning exercise time, my run and walk time, to not be changed, for my routine to not be disturbed.  I now can see your hand in this Lord and I thank you for the opportunities you have given me to rise each morning and spend time with, in your word and in your presence.
The last few days have brought the thoughts of forgiveness to my mind and I just feel I need to reflect on this in your presence.  I have read some amazing words about what forgiveness does and what not forgiving destroys.  It has made me realize that I do have some unforgiveness in my heart and I need to pray through that.  Sometimes I think I have done this and then it comes up to bite me real hard.  What my recent reading has taught me is that if we don't give this completely over to you then we are giving the enemy a foothold in our lives.  Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's a choice.  It doesn't come naturally at times.  I have a really hard time letting go of some of the disappointments that have occurred in my life and I will publicly admit (well to anyone who reads this lol) that I hang a lot of that on Geoff.  I know it's not going to get me anywhere, it's not going to change anything...and yet I do it time and time again.  I need to choose to forgive him for all that has happened to cause the job unrest he's had.  I need to choose to see the good in what it has caused.  I need to rejoice in what has happened, not focus on what has not.  When you don't forgive someone then that person becomes an idol that you place before God... what??? That I place BEFORE God... so by not forgiving Geoff for this job unrest, I am putting him in the way of my relationship with the you God.  I am saying that what he can't do is more important then what you can.  I become bitter towards him and this bitterness consumes me.
He's not the only one.  I have unforgiveness in my heart for how my family, most especially my mom, treats Geoff and how my mom treated me growing up.  I say I have forgiven her but when those doubts about things creep in my head then I am back to hanging it on her, on them.  I need to hand it over to you God.  I can not forgive on my own strength God.  I need you Lord.  Show me where unforgiveness lives in my heart and help me to release it forever.  You have forgiven me for all my sins and all my future sins...so why can't why I forgive others.  I am not more important then You so why should my actions say otherwise.  Forgive me Lord  for my unforgiveness Lord.
And Lord help me to see that these things that surround my unforgiveness are just trials.  There are just things that needed to be placed in my life.  My journey is not my own.  It is yours.  My trials are also not my own...they are ours.  Yours and mine.  Only you can get me through them.  Help me to see that they are there for a purpose, remind me time and time again of where the trials I already have journeyed have taken me spiritually.  Help me let go of my plans for my life and surrender them to you...your plan is better then anything I can ever have imagined.
Lord you are so amazing and you have so many great things in my life.  I am so very blessed to have the trials that I have had for they have strengthened me and brought me closer to you.  Help me to see this always and help me to endure the next trial and the trial after that with my eyes on you....looking only forward, looking only to you for help.
I praise you today and always!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Getting Lost in the Wonder of God

Good Morning Heavenly Father;
Thank you so much for this day, for one more day to serve you. Each day is a blessing and each day is one more I can spend loving you, serving you, being with you.  Sometimes it gets very easy to forget to start my day this way.  Sometimes it's hard to remember that each day is a gift.  It gets easy to ask you for things, for help, for encouragement.  It's not a bad thing to ask but the problem I have is that I ask a lot but don't think about the depth of what I am asking for.  An even bigger problem in how I pray that I have just discovered is that spend so much time looking to change what needs fixing, so much time asking for help etc, that I forget to look at what's already done, to thank you for what you already have made possible.
I have thanked you for making sure we have what we need and in the next breath I ask for a better job (or a job period at times) for Geoff, for better financial security.  It is such an ungrateful thing to do.  God, I thank you for always ensuring we can feed our family, provide what they need, not what they want but what they need.  I praise you for the jobs we have.  I love my work and am challenged by it and though Geoff isn't doing what he wants to be right now I praise you for giving him work and giving him the opportunity to be humbled by this type of work and this type of pay.  I thank you for the life lessons it has provided for both of us.  Many people make do with the low wage he's making and I am humbled to know that...and appreciate what we are learning to live with.  I thank you for the chance this job gives him to explore a different area, a different sector.
I often pray for patience for myself with my kids and husband, for my anger to be kept in check, for the ability to keep things in perspective.  Today I praise you for the growth that has already happened and for the changes you have made in me. I know that I so different then the person I was a year ago.  I thank you for the people you have brought to my life like Janine and Josie that are helping me to find ways to keep my cool, to be organized, to refocus.  I praise you for the ability to admit I wronged, admit I've lost my cool and it's not ok to my kids.  I thank you for teaching me to be humble.
Life is not easy and the trials of life are hard...they seem impossible at time. I know that with you they aren't. I know that those trials are making us stronger and I thank you for bringing them to my life.  I want to serve you, be a light to others and I know that showing how I can keep going through tough times is a testament to my faith in you.  So thank you for them, for the lessons they are for me but even more for how you use me to teach others.
Please help me to remember this today and everyday Lord.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Who Am I?

Father God today I am pondering just who I am in You and how other see me.  Do they see me as a light leading others to you?   Do they even know I am a born again believer by my actions, my words, the way I live my life?  Do they see me as a hypocrite?
I have a feeling that a great many might think that of me or at least of Geoff and I as a couple and as parents.  And I hate that.  I hate that we let the enemy in so often when we are trying to work out problems, when we are frustrated.
God I just want to be a channel of your peace.  I want to bring others to you by the example I set.  I need you to use me to do this.  I am ready to be your servant, to humbly walk with Jesus and show others how amazing a life with you is.  I need your help God.  I need strength to stay away from the things of the world that tempt me and lead me away from you.  There seem to be so many distractions that I give in to and those take away from the things that need to be done.  I need focus, I need to wear blinders like a horse does to keep me from veering off the path.  But I also need to keep my eyes always open to the needs of others, to the places you want me to serve.
Guide me Lord Jesus.  Bring me closer to you.  Use me to lead others to you...and change me and my ways so that I am a better example of someone who dearly loves you.  Keep my heart pure, my mind clear and my actions honest.  I want to serve, I want to change...I just don't know how.  I humbly come before you today acknowledging that I am not a good servant often and that I have many things that need changing and I ask you to change my heart and my ways Lord.  Make me stronger, less tempted.  I will do anything for you, whatever it is you wish for me.  I want to be bold and show others my love for you but I know there is great work to be done first.
So work me hard for the change Lord.  Push me to be better, stronger, purer.
I love you so much God and I am so very grateful for all you have done in my life and continue to do.  Please forgive me for my blunders, my mistakes...for the words and actions I say and do that are not honouring to you.
I give this day to you God, I give myself to you.
Ever your servant,

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Today's devotion spoke about those in church leadership positions who do things to cause those in the church to doubt them and to lose respect for them.  In the end it asked ' How is God calling you to walk in a greater measure of responsibility and holiness as a leader? ' and I had no idea how to answer this.

Ever loving Father;
I am so blessed to have been forgiven by you for the mistakes I make.  Humans seem to be able to so easily judge the mistakes of others but not you.  You pick us up, dust us off and set us right again.  Today I am being asked to think about the errors of those in church leadership and from there to thing of how you are calling me to be more responsible as a leader at LEMC....And I am clueless.  I have no idea what You are calling me to do at church, no idea what leadership I am to be taking let alone how to be more responsible in it.
God I know you brought me to LEMC for a reason and so many great things have happened to me while there.  I am sure I am likely already doing some sort of leadership there, some type of important job but most days I just feel like I don't know what I should do there, what job is mine.  Help me to have my eyes open to the jobs I am already doing so that I may feel like I am fulfilling your desires for me there better and guide me Father to greater roles, greater responsibilities there.  Help me to stand up, stand strong, lead by example.  Make a channel for you God.  I am your servant and I want to serve.  I just need to know where and I need to courage to step out of comfort zones and step up to more of a leadership role.
God, I want, more then anything, to be used by you.  I want to be a light for others, a witness of your greatness, of your Grace.  Help me to drop the veil I hide behind and shine brightly for you.
Today Lord, please bless all those who are in leadership in our church and help me to feel more comfortable talking to them about my spiritual journey and seeking their guidance in what I can do to be more of a leader.  Keep us all safe from the attacks of the enemy.
I love you Father and am your ever faithful servant...I just need lots of guidance to get the serving you in the right perspective.
Thanks God for another day to be in You.

Monday, October 21, 2013

A New Focus

I have no idea who follows this blog but I am just going to start off today by explaining what I am up to with it now and why.... and letting anyone who reads it know that I may make it completely private... simply a place for me to journal.
I am in the midst of reading a book called  'A Miracle for Jen'.  It's a wonderful story about a young girl who is severely injured in a car accident and tells the miraculous story of her recovery.  One of the first things this shy, quiet girl did when she came out of her coma was to begin praising the Lord.  Her words of prayer and her singing of worship music was done in perfect, unaffected speach...and yet her communication skills on anything not related to the Lord were that of a toddler.  As soon as she can begin to write she starts a prayer journal....just as she had done before her accident.
Her prayer journals have made me realize how much I am missing the boat, how much I am not doing in my relationship with Christ. I have begun doing devotions a few times a week but I had never even thought of doing a prayer journal....which makes no sense given that one of my greatest gifts seems to be writing.
I was just going to do it in a book but I realized that I type faster then I can write...and I can certainly read my typing far better then my writing LOL!  So I will try my best to do a prayer journal on a very regular basis.
The thing that Jen's prayer journal made me realize is that my prayers are rather pathetic.  I spend so much time praying for things to happen, for what I/we need and not nearly enough time just praising God and asking Him to help me see that things I need to change about myself as well as praying for others when I know of prayer requests that are ongoing for others.  I am rather selfish in my praying.  I have had some insight into some of the things I need to pray about/for and I have read some great devotions that have made me really think.
So here goes.

Father God;
You are so amazing Lord.  You just seem to know exactly when I am ready to hear what You want me to know...you know when my heart is ready to take on a new challenge but better yet, when my heart is ready to hear the harsh realities of what your word says and how pathetically I am following it.
I know that becoming a Christian is a process and everyone's process is different.  I have always felt like I wasn't doing enough, wasn't where I should be.  I just had no clue how to get there.  I still don't but I realize that I am looking in the wrong place to find out.  I only need to look to you.  It's just as simple as asking you to show me.
Today God, I want to ask you to show me the areas in my life that need the most work.  Show me the things that I do that disappoint you the most.  I don't want to disappoint you God.  You have done so much for me so now please help me to see what I need to do for you.
Change is hard, habits are hard to break...but that is such a cop out, such an excuse.  I need to stop saying I will change, stop trying so hard to change even...and start asking you to help me change.
One the biggest areas I need to change is how easily I turn to anger, how easily I let anger consume me.  So God please show me the ways I can put myself closer to you when I am angry, show me how to use my anger as a motivator not a destroyer.
Yesterday Pastor Jeff spoke to us about coveting.  I used to have a huge issue with coveting various things... I wanted the financially successful life that others have, I wanted the marriage that others have...the kind where kind words are the norm, where fights happen rarely, where respect and love prevail.  Those would likely be the 2 areas that I was most conscious of and the ones I know to pray about...not that I really do.  But God I know that are other areas that exist.  I am asking you to show me those areas so that I may give them over to you.  If I keep wanting more then I am disrespecting you for what you have given me already.  I mean how I can even think of what else is out there without being thankful first for what I have.  And yet I do it...over and over again.
Pastor Jeff spoke about asking and asking for things or things to happen, coveting them and showed an example from the bible where people asked and asked but were not thankful for what they had.  Eventually you said 'sure, I'll give it to you....so much so that you will be sick of it'.  I think we tend to be like that, I tend to be like that.  I pray and pray for something without thanking you for what I have.  Then when it comes it is sometimes not at all what I wanted, what we wanted or needed.  I see that so much in Geoff's job search.
So today God I am praising you for all you have given me.  I am so very blessed to have the amazing family I have.  I love my kids and husband so much and they are such a wonderful gift that you have given me.  My life is a wonderful gift, so full of amazing people, things, experiences and successes.  I don't any more then what I have...I only need to learn to be happy with it, to see it all the time for how wonderful it is.  Success of life is not measured by the money we make, the house we have, the financial ease life is.  Success of life is being able to manage all that comes our way in a grateful way that honours you.
Show me Lord, where my heart needs changing, where my flesh desires override my love for you.  Help me to focus on you and what you want from me.  Help me to see Jesus in everything.  Help me to remember that the words of the bible are not just lessons for your people but proof of how amazing you are.
I love you God, I am so amazed by the things you have done for me and know that this will continue.  I need to remember to come to you more often to find solutions, to ease my sorrow, my anger, my frustration.  I need to turn to you and not to me.
Forgive me Lord for all that I have done out of anger, jealousy and distrust and open my heart to be changed by you.
Thank you for grace...it is sufficient for me.