I have no idea who follows this blog but I am just going to start off today by explaining what I am up to with it now and why.... and letting anyone who reads it know that I may make it completely private... simply a place for me to journal.
I am in the midst of reading a book called 'A Miracle for Jen'. It's a wonderful story about a young girl who is severely injured in a car accident and tells the miraculous story of her recovery. One of the first things this shy, quiet girl did when she came out of her coma was to begin praising the Lord. Her words of prayer and her singing of worship music was done in perfect, unaffected speach...and yet her communication skills on anything not related to the Lord were that of a toddler. As soon as she can begin to write she starts a prayer journal....just as she had done before her accident.
Her prayer journals have made me realize how much I am missing the boat, how much I am not doing in my relationship with Christ. I have begun doing devotions a few times a week but I had never even thought of doing a prayer journal....which makes no sense given that one of my greatest gifts seems to be writing.
I was just going to do it in a book but I realized that I type faster then I can write...and I can certainly read my typing far better then my writing LOL! So I will try my best to do a prayer journal on a very regular basis.
The thing that Jen's prayer journal made me realize is that my prayers are rather pathetic. I spend so much time praying for things to happen, for what I/we need and not nearly enough time just praising God and asking Him to help me see that things I need to change about myself as well as praying for others when I know of prayer requests that are ongoing for others. I am rather selfish in my praying. I have had some insight into some of the things I need to pray about/for and I have read some great devotions that have made me really think.
So here goes.
You are so amazing Lord. You just seem to know exactly when I am ready to hear what You want me to know...you know when my heart is ready to take on a new challenge but better yet, when my heart is ready to hear the harsh realities of what your word says and how pathetically I am following it.
I know that becoming a Christian is a process and everyone's process is different. I have always felt like I wasn't doing enough, wasn't where I should be. I just had no clue how to get there. I still don't but I realize that I am looking in the wrong place to find out. I only need to look to you. It's just as simple as asking you to show me.
Today God, I want to ask you to show me the areas in my life that need the most work. Show me the things that I do that disappoint you the most. I don't want to disappoint you God. You have done so much for me so now please help me to see what I need to do for you.
Change is hard, habits are hard to break...but that is such a cop out, such an excuse. I need to stop saying I will change, stop trying so hard to change even...and start asking you to help me change.
One the biggest areas I need to change is how easily I turn to anger, how easily I let anger consume me. So God please show me the ways I can put myself closer to you when I am angry, show me how to use my anger as a motivator not a destroyer.
Yesterday Pastor Jeff spoke to us about coveting. I used to have a huge issue with coveting various things... I wanted the financially successful life that others have, I wanted the marriage that others have...the kind where kind words are the norm, where fights happen rarely, where respect and love prevail. Those would likely be the 2 areas that I was most conscious of and the ones I know to pray about...not that I really do. But God I know that are other areas that exist. I am asking you to show me those areas so that I may give them over to you. If I keep wanting more then I am disrespecting you for what you have given me already. I mean how I can even think of what else is out there without being thankful first for what I have. And yet I do it...over and over again.
Pastor Jeff spoke about asking and asking for things or things to happen, coveting them and showed an example from the bible where people asked and asked but were not thankful for what they had. Eventually you said 'sure, I'll give it to you....so much so that you will be sick of it'. I think we tend to be like that, I tend to be like that. I pray and pray for something without thanking you for what I have. Then when it comes it is sometimes not at all what I wanted, what we wanted or needed. I see that so much in Geoff's job search.
So today God I am praising you for all you have given me. I am so very blessed to have the amazing family I have. I love my kids and husband so much and they are such a wonderful gift that you have given me. My life is a wonderful gift, so full of amazing people, things, experiences and successes. I don't any more then what I have...I only need to learn to be happy with it, to see it all the time for how wonderful it is. Success of life is not measured by the money we make, the house we have, the financial ease life is. Success of life is being able to manage all that comes our way in a grateful way that honours you.
Show me Lord, where my heart needs changing, where my flesh desires override my love for you. Help me to focus on you and what you want from me. Help me to see Jesus in everything. Help me to remember that the words of the bible are not just lessons for your people but proof of how amazing you are.
I love you God, I am so amazed by the things you have done for me and know that this will continue. I need to remember to come to you more often to find solutions, to ease my sorrow, my anger, my frustration. I need to turn to you and not to me.
Forgive me Lord for all that I have done out of anger, jealousy and distrust and open my heart to be changed by you.
Thank you for grace...it is sufficient for me.