Sunday, February 17, 2013

The First Principle of the Journey: Be Honest

Do you embrace honesty as a foundational principle in your life? 

If yes, then honestly evaluate your emotions right now. What emotions and struggles have you experienced from the first moment of your grief until now, including those you have not admitted to others? Be honest with yourself and with other people.
For a great many months the strongest emotion I think I felt that just didn't fit with grief in my mind was guilt.  I blogged a lot about it in start of my first blog... here and here. I lived with feelings of 'if only I had been overjoyed when I found out I was expecting twins', 'if only I had read more about the risks', 'if only I had more confidence in myself as the mom of twins or in us as parents able to financially care for twins'.  If only...if only.  Yeah, it got me NO WHERE!!!
The second greatest emotion I felt was confusion...which was tied to guilt to.  I didn't know how to feel because I hadn't been overjoyed about twins so maybe this was for the better. (oh, so guilt producing).  I was confused because I didn't know how to miss the son I had never met.  I was confused because I didn't really even understand what had happened and couldn't fathom why.

"When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away," says Anne Graham Lotz. "I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don't forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance."
There was a mountain of emotions and feelings that came out in the months and years of healing.  Shame at times at how I was dealing with it, the amount that I focused on loss in conversation and how much I didn't want to let it go as I wanted no one to forget we'd gone through this, no one to forget our son.  I felt loneliness and separation from my friends.  I was angry at times...not so much at the loss of Cole and of our 'twin dreams'/loss of Cameron's twin connection.... but more at the change my life had taken and how hard it was to deal with, how hard it was to find my way back to some sort of life.  I was fearful of what else could happen, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And I was exhausted...mentally, emotionally and physically....for months and months and months.

God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that "the truth will set you free." Read the book of John to learn more about Jesus' teaching, His truth, and true freedom.

John 1

In the beginning the Word already existed.
    The Word was with God,
    and the Word was God.
He existed in the beginning with God.
God created everything through him,
    and nothing was created except through him.
The Word gave life to everything that was created,[a]
    and his life brought light to everyone.
The light shines in the darkness,
    and the darkness can never extinguish it.[b]

18 No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God,[g] is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.

The book of John is one of the first books I was told to read when I was born again in Christ.  I have read excerpts but it was not until I did this devotion that I actually read the book chapter for chapter.  Please read my next blog entry for some of the verses I find key to understanding who Christ was, what He did while he was here...what he is to us. 

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