Thursday, January 17, 2013

Identify Your Losses

Day 10

One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.

And for some people who have lost a baby that had never met alive or not had a lot of time with before they passed away, they are missing the opportunities, the life they should have had with that child, the memories they never got to create.  For those of us that have lost in a multiple pregnancy. it is the loss of the new identity you were to assume yourself (mommy of twins, triplets, quads etc) and the loss of that special sibling, that identical brother or sister...that other half of a perfect pair.

The range of things you need to grieve for may surprise you. Identify your losses and be prepared to grieve for each one.

Use the list below as a starting point.
• your companion
- not so much my companion as Cameron's.  It hurts so much sometimes for me to think of Cameron not having his twin with him. Not having that special 'twin language' that exists between twins, not having the person he was with from the moment of conception. 
• your lover - this doesn't apply in the sense of the word that it is known most often in but I am missing one of the things I love most in this children.  It feels incomplete sometimes but moreover it feels like part of my heart belongs somewhere else, that I am not always giving 100% of my love (and attention) to my living children because one of the children I love isn't here.
• your encourager
• your "entertainer"
• your source of delight
• the one who shares your private jokes
• your breadwinner
• the one who knows you so well
• your housekeeper
• the shoulder on which you cry
• your cook
• the arms that embrace and comfort you
• your mechanic
• the one who always cheers you
• your friend
• your pride and joy
So many of those in that list are obviously meant for adult loss... of a spouse or friend.  Loss of a child is different because, as I said before, your grieving is for what didn't get to be, not what was.  Your grieving is for the life you had before you lost...the old you who didn't know this pain, the old you who didn't feel empty, who didn't think of everything in regards to how it applies to your loss.  It really sucks that for a very long time those that lose a baby can't be 100% happy for those who announce they are pregnant.  It especially sucks that I dread everytime someone close to me tells me they are pregnant that I pray it WON'T be twins.  I don't want anyone to go through that pain but I also don't want to have to face what I don't have.  I don't want them to have what I didn't get to I guess. 
Your list will go on and on. Say your losses out loud to God; speak until you run out of words to say. He knows your deepest needs, and He alone can provide. Do not skip this step.
I have done this before and posted it within a few blog entries here

and  here, 
But here are some of the things that I grieve...
The loss of a child I loved from the moment he was conceived, the loss of his life and all he could do on this earth.   
The chance to see my twin sons grow up together. To see them in matching outfits, start school together, play together, play hockey and baseball on the same team, graduate together, stand up at each others weddings...the list could go on and on
The bond that my twin sons have that is broken...and where it isn't broken, where no one understands it.  
The chance to be a twin mommy and have people ask me about my adorable, matching children
That's just a start of what has run through my brain over the years.  
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).
O God, sometimes I feel like I have lost so much. So much of who I was is gone and I often forget that I have been given, by you, so much more.  Sometimes it feels easier to dwell in what is lost then to work on growing in what has been gained.  When I am feeling low, sad and lost, please help me to remember who has filled the gaping holes that were within me and will continue to fill me to abundance.? You, Lord—yes, You. Amen

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