Tuesday, January 8, 2013

How Long does this last???

Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected
Day 4

Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.

This is so very true for me.  I have moments where I feel such sadness...this year when we put up the tree I was in tears...'I should be decorating a tree with my son, not putting ornaments up in his memory'.  Other times it is intense anger.  Recently I was 'friended' by mom on facebook who was expecting twins and had already had the laser surgery.  She was so casual about it, about the precautions so many of us were so adament about... she posted that she had cut the grass, posted he had hiked in the mountains.  WHAT???  So many people did all they could to keep their babies inside and prevent premature labour and she did that???  And of course, she gave birth...by induction and no drama of course, to two perfectly healthy babies who she takes 100% credit for.  Sometimes life is just hard to swallow.
And sometimes I just plan miss Cole...I miss the joys of that pregnancy and I miss the knowledge that I missed out on being a 'true twin mommy'.

Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.

"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year—Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

I get angry too.  I am tired of people saying things like 'isn't it time to move on', 'she's living in the past' and in our situation, with loss of one twin, 'celebrate Cameron, honour him and the miracle he is'.  I have been told 'God gave you this for a reason'...not so 'where's your faith' but the jist is the same.  
But the next part of this devotion is so very true...and wasn't present when we first lost Cole...because my faith and understanding wasn't what it is now.  Knowing God, having Jesus as my friend and brother...that is a comfort, a place to go with my questions, my pleas.  But the ache is always there and sometimes it does overwhelm me.  Most of the time it doesn't it, most of the time I am very aware of how I am living with it and what it has motivated me to do.  
I just finished reading 'Without a Word. How a Boy's Unspoken Love Changed Everything' 
It is a wonderful read, Geoff (my husband) actually picked it up for me at Promise Keepers where he heard Jim Kelly, the father, speak.  In this book the author/mom, speaks about this very thing.  That there is an ache that just can't be filled here on earth, that you dream of Heaven at times and just can't wait to get there so that you can see your lost loved one again.  In the case of a mom, so that you can hold that child again and see them healed of all that hurt them here on earth.   

We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).

I was curious about what else was in the Psalm (remember my goal is to read the bible more) and was pleased to see the rest of it and decided to post most of it here...

Psalm 6

2 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.

Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. 

Help me to remember that my journey is mine, the time is mine and there is no right and wrong.  Guide me in the way I speak about it to others so as not to offend when I try to explain this, try to show them that I am ok, normal and human in the way I am grieving.  Remind me often that I have someone to lean on when times are sorrow filled, that someone will hold me when I can't stand on my on...YOU!

No comments:

Post a Comment