Thursday, January 24, 2013

Doubting Your Faith

I apologize for getting behind... there's a lot going on in my life, which I may share some of here in another post later, and I've been a bit distracted... I apologize

Day 12
"I was mad. I felt like the Lord was not there. I had prayed to hear from Him, and I didn't. It seemed as if He wasn't answering my prayers," says Phyllis, who lost her sister. "Emotionally and spiritually I expected something different. I knew that He was there, but I wasn't feeling emotionally like I wanted to feel." 

You are not alone, and you are not wrong to have doubts.

Have you ever felt this way.  I know I did, I do at times.  I remember the first time it happened.  It was in the hours after we found out Cole was gone.  I had prayed like I didn't know was possible on the night prior to our fetal surgery.  I wasn't a Christian then... a believer in God yes, a believer in faith yes but a Christian, no.  Anyway, I had prayed for God to keep my boys safe and to heal them of this horrible disease.  When we learned that our version of healing was not what had happened and that Cole was gone I remember thinking 'where are you God, I thought you answered prayers?' And then I didn't pray again for a very, very long time. 

David said in the Psalms, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" (22:1). 

Job had similar feelings: "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). Job thought he would "never see happiness again," but when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him.

As most of you know, I am pretty new to the bible and I don't know my scriptures well at all.  I had heard all about the book of Job but I didn't read it right away.  Even when I did start it I just didn't grasp the situation.  I didn't get the God allowed the devil to do all of these things to Job to show what he already knew to be true...that Job had faith that was strong and true. I learned so much from Job. I learned it was okay to doubt and question... as long as you don't give up entirely.  I learned that God is amazing in how he answers prayers but that sometimes a trial, a lesson, a journey, needs to happen first. 

God is faithful to do what He says He will do regardless of how you feel or what you believe.

Regardless of what I feel or believe... regardless of whether I feel God is there, regardless of whether I feel he listened, regardless of whether I agree with how he answers my prayers, regardless of whether I agree with what his version of healing was for Cole.  Regardless, He is faithful to do what he says... to love me, to protect me, to provide for me, to give me a life beyond anything I can imagine... because I most definitely would not have chosen to walk this journey that is so filled with pain at times and so filled then and now with trials and crisis.  

Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping.
What I feel is the need to be in control of it.  What I feel is the sadness, at times, that life is not what I thought it would be.  What I see is my stress filled worried face in the mirror.  

What you see is the person you are guiding me to be.
And so to that I will keep walking on the journey you have placed me on.

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