Spiritual Breakthrough

Your weaknesses and inadequacies make themselves known to you again and again. You can't always count on other people, and you can't count on yourself. No human being can meet all your needs, especially your deepest needs. 

I don't think I have ever felt as inadequate and weak as I did in the days, weeks and months after we lost Cole.  I have always felt like I didn't measure up, like I wasn't good enough, wasn't enough.  But when my world fell apart I felt like a failure at everything and I felt very judged.  I felt like my world was falling apart around me.  Each time I would bring it closer to being sort of back to together, it would all crash around me again...in the puddle I became when I wept for all that was lost, for the new normal that I hated, for the little baby boy I missed so much and the little baby boy I held in my arms who would be, forever, without his best friend.
One thing that I wanted so bad was someone to fix it for me, someone to step in and make it all better.  Someone who understood and would not judge.  I will admit, publicly, that I was sadly disappointed in many people in my life then.  I realize now that they had no idea how to help, what to say or how to deal with my new normal.  But it didn't make it easier then to know this, it just felt like everyone expected me to just jump back in where I left off, where my life was before I got pregnant with twins, and to just move on, not bring up my son all the time in sadness or in joy.  It was a very sad and lonely time.

"We are living in a broken world," states Barbara Johnson. "We see broken marriages, broken people, broken lives. There's never going to come a time when we've got it all together." 

She continues, "As you go through grief, as you center your focus on what is ahead of you as a Christian, that helps you to know that what you're going through isn't going to last. You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different. Yesterday is a canceled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, but today is cash. You've got today to serve the Lord."

For those of you who are reading this who are newer to this journey I will try to emphasize, without judging or making you feel inadequate etc that it is so very important to turn to the Lord right now and let him pick up the pieces of your life.  You can't do it alone and you can't turn to anyone who will understand any better then God does.  He lost his son, Jesus..he understands our pain.

Psalm 116:15

The Lord cares deeply
    when his loved ones die.

You are at a point where you need to decide whom you will lean on, trust, and put your hope in. Now is the time to search God's Word and hold on to this lifeline. God will meet you where you are, at your point of pain. Seek Him, talk to Him, and learn about Him. He is the only way out of despair.

I am still learning about how the bible can help.  This blog has been great for me as I pushes me to explore the bible more and more.  Each post I comment on has encouraged me to read various scriptures so see what I can find that applies, that helps, that gives comfort and understanding.  I wish I had done this more in the first little while after we lost Cole.  I began my other blog with the purpose of finding hope and healing and that  was the first time I explored ANY scripture that might actually help me.  I encourage anyone who is reading this to also take a look at my other blog here 
It has some great scripture for those difficult times of anger, frustration and guilt.  It also shows the tremendous journey that my faith has taken.  Not all of it deals with grief either...there is pretty much every aspect of life and faith you can imagine there.  More recently it has become more like this...a place where I explore scripture and faith.

Listen to God's promise to you and claim it: 

Jeremiah 29:11-13

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Proverbs 16:9

9 

A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 3:5

5 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.

Lord God, I realize that I need to search the Bible and seek Your way with all the strength I've got left. 
Amen.