Losing a Part of Yourself

Day 11

The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?" 

I can identify with this so much.  I remember feeling so much of this...how could I move forward, part of me was gone.  I wrote a lot of journals back then and thought I'd share...

December 22, 2008

Today seemed to be a better day for me.  I woke and got out of bed without crying….a first for me.  It didn’t last long as I stared at the Christmas tree and thought of all the Christmas’s we won ‘t have with Cole.  It just seems so damned unfair that these two little boys won’t grow up being the best of friends, that part of Cameron will always be missing.  It seems like a raw deal that we won’t have this little one in our family and won’t be able to watch him grow and change. 

I miss him so much already and I’ve never even gotten to hold him yet.  I miss feeling him move inside of me, miss the worry of how on earth I’d make it work to feed two newborns, miss the thoughts of dressing them the same, miss the thoughts of the joy and uniqueness it would be to be the mom of twins. 

I don’t understand why this had to happen.  What did I do to make this happen?  I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but part of me wonders if my shear terror of having twins, of managing twins, of paying for the cost of twins plus 2 others made this happen.  Did God decide that I really couldn’t handle it after all?  Did me not being joyful and excited upon finding out there were two lives inside of me make him decide that it just wasn’t meant to be? 

I want to be happy that Cameron is alive and safe inside of me, I want to be joyful that I am going to have one baby, not no babies but then I feel guilty that I am not grieving for the child I have lost.  Will I ever really be able to grieve properly?  I have nothing physically to hold and it all seems unreal that he really isn’t still moving in there.  When it’s all over and I am able to hold Cameron safe in my arms, will I be able to grieve for Cole then, will I be able to even hold him?  Can I handle that?  How long is it going to be until that happens?  I don’t Cameron to be born now or anytime soon….but I want to hold the life I’ve lost, I want to cherish his little hands and feet, look into his little face. 

I am angry when I read other TTTS mom’s postings….the ones from the mom’s who got to have 2 babies, not just one.  I guess I should read the ones from the ones who lost both their babes and then maybe I’d realize how lucky I am….but that’s not where I am right now.

I don’t know where I am….lost somewhere in a world that seems to go up and down, be bright and dark and so very confusing all day long.

There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.

The process has been painful at times and it certainly didn't happen overnight.  It is an ongoing process in all honesty.  The journey was a lot harder when I didn't know Jesus though.  I know that I leaned on the Lord to get through it and I know that my faith has been growing all along, most especially since a bit before the first anniversary of losing Cole but I didn't trust him necessarily and I certainly wasn't aware that Jesus was right beside me and wanted to be my friend, my brother.
Once I figured that out the healing began take shape, the hope began to return. 

1 John 4:15-19

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁵ All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. ¹⁶ We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.
God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. ¹⁷ And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.
¹⁸ Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ¹⁹ We love each other^[a] because he loved us first.

Lord Jesus, thank you for piecing  me back together again with Your unfailing love. You always find a way to show me that you are there and that you know just how the shattered pieces of my heart fit back together.  Amen.