Joy Can Return

This devotion really made me think, remember, journey back in time....

It does get better; you will experience joy again.

In her book A Passage Through Grief, Barbara Baumgardner writes, "They told me one day I would go twenty-four hours without thinking of my loss. I told them they were crazy. 

"They weren't crazy; they were right. At first, I felt guilt, then elation."1

I remember in the days after we first learned Cole was gone that I had such tremendous guilt and confusion. I was so filled with sadness and yet I still had a life growing inside of me.  I wanted to be happy that Cameron was still alive, that I had not lost both of my boys even though we came so damned close.... but I couldn't .  I could rarely find joy or see the positive.  All I wanted was to turn back time and never hear the words TTTS again.  I hated my life, hated my feelings...sometimes I hated my pregnant belly...what a reminder of the failure I was.  
I decided tonight that I would share some of the stuff I wrote then to show just how hard it was for me to find joy....

January 2, 2009

I just can't seem to wrap my head around what has happened to the life I thought I was going to have. I am just over 3 weeks into the hell that is TTTS....it will be 3 weeks today since I had laser surgery in Toronto and 3 weeks tomorrow since we lost our precious baby Cole. I am having such a tough time today, the tears won't stop and I have to other children somewhere in my house that need me and a tiny little trooper inside that needs him mom to be strong and healthy too.
I just can't get it into my head why this has happened. I rationalize that it's because I was never jumping for joy about having twins...not until the last month or so. It wasn't a planned pregnancy and we struggle to make ends meet a lot. But I wanted my babies, I wanted to make it work, I wanted to be that 'twin mommy'...the one people stopped in the store to admire their beautiful children who looked exactly alike. I wanted to NOT feel this pain. I get so mad at myself for the feelings I have when I read the TTTS success stories, it seems so cruel of me not to feel joy that others don't have to go through this and I know it could be so much worse...I could have lost them both. And really, that fear is still there...I'm only 26-27 weeks...such a long battle ahead considering all that is still going on inside me. But really, I just time to go back to where they were both kicking and their hearts were both beating. I want my babies to both be alive and safe inside of me. I need to stop crying and feeling so lost, alone, angry and ripped off....but how do I do this??? 

I can't truly grieve until Cameron his here....and the stress of getting him here is enough for me to deal with without adding in the grief that I can't control. I think it makes it so much worse because I can't move ahead, I want to move backwards and the present isn't a time I want to live in either. The only great thing about the present and each new day is that it's one more day that Cameron grows stronger and healthier inside of me.

God is the source of your hope and joy. Believe these words of Jesus in John 16: 

John 16:20-24

²⁰ I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. ²¹ It will be like a woman suffering the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she has brought a new baby into the world. ²² So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. ²³ At that time you won’t need to ask me for anything. I tell you the truth, you will ask the Father directly, and he will grant your request because you use my name. ²⁴ You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.

Lord, It is not hard for me to remember the days when I could not  even remember what joy felt like.  It was a dark time and a lonely time.  Even now I have those days where I forget where my joy comes from.  I know I am not alone in this and that there are many who are reading this who are struggling.  Please help us all to  believe that someday You will turn our grief to joy, and no one will take that joy away from me. Amen.