He Will Carry You
Day 5

The Lord will carry you if you ask Him. When you are feeling so weak you cannot take another step, ask Him to lift you high into His loving arms. Then rest in Him with an open and listening heart. This does not mean your problems will disappear, but it does mean you will have Someone to share them with.
"If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior and you have just been widowed or bereaved, you have a tremendous burden," says Elisabeth Elliot. "You are tired, and it is too big a burden to carry. The Lord says, 'Come to me, you who are tired and overburdened, and I will give you rest.'"

I didn't do this for such a long time.  I thought I did, I thought I was ok with what had happened and never felt very angry with God for what had happened...just more in the ways it happened...that I didn't get to say goodbye before Cole was gone, that I never held his body while his heart was still beating, that I never got to see him before time was not so gentle, before he no longer looked identical to his living twin. 
I thought I was doing ok and that I could 'do this alone'. Not that I didn't need God but just that I didn't need to ask him to help me.  I am not 100% sure of when I figured it out. I know that I fell to my knees and asked Jesus into my heart just before Cole's memorial service.  I was reading a book by Jenny Hander called "A Place of Peace"
As I read I became overwhelmed with guilt at the life I was leading, the way I was dealing with my grief, I felt at the time, was affecting my ability to parent and to be a wife and that was affecting the way I acted... I would not be getting into heaven and seeing my baby ever again at this rate.  But I still did not go to God to give me rest, I didn't ask him to help me, to hold me.
I didn't know Jesus as my saviour.  I thought I did, I thought I 'got it', thought the message was clear as a kid and I understood.  But I was truly clueless.  I believed all you needed to do was to believe God existed and you went to Heaven. 
I believe, very firmly, that Cole lead me to Jesus.  I also know that God allowed TTTS into my life, despite the pain of loss not being what he 'wanted' for me, so that I could find my way to Christ.  It took me a long time to figure it out and it took going to the right church with the right influences for it really to click for me.  I was on the fringes for so long but the peace I felt when I finally came to realize just what it meant, just what I needed to do was amazing. It wasn't an instantaneous realization once I started attending that church...a bit more gradual. But I clearly remember when I just 'knew', when it became so crystal clear.  It was the first believer's baptism that I attended and I just felt the spirit speak to me and knew I was in the right place and that I would be up there declaring my commitment to Christ sooner then later.
Last year was the first year that I didn't crawl into a hole, become a self absorbed mess even, when the anniversary of Cole's passing came.  I was just amazed at how much hope, joy, love and peace I found. 

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

To receive peace and rest in Christ, the instructions are clear. Jesus says, "Come to me." You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen.

Psalm 61

¹ O God, listen to my cry!
    Hear my prayer!
² From the ends of the earth,
    I cry to you for help
    when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
³     for you are my safe refuge,
    a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
⁴ Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
    safe beneath the shelter of your wings! Interlude

⁵ For you have heard my vows, O God.
    You have given me an inheritance reserved for those who fear your name.
⁶ Add many years to the life of the king!
    May his years span the generations!
⁷ May he reign under God’s protection forever.
    May your unfailing love and faithfulness watch over him.
⁸ Then I will sing praises to your name forever
    as I fulfill my vows each day.

 

Lord, I come to You with thanksgiving.  You came to me when my heart was worn out, and I needed You. You took my heavy burden and carried it.  You were patient with me and waited for me to have an open mind and heart.  You guided me and brought the right people and experiences into my life so that I would journey closer and closer to you with confidence and reassurance. Amen.