Harder then you think

Grief Is Harder Than You Think
Day 8

The hardest time to learn about the process of grief is while you are in the midst of it. You may feel that you are taking a crash course in grief and that the learning curve is formidable. But those who seek to understand grief and loss will be better able to recover, so we commend you for your determination and effort to see this process through.
 This is definitely how I felt for months after we lost Cole.  Not so much in the first few months.  Let's face it, I was a bit preoccupied with the life still growing inside of me and the crisis that continued with the pregnancy.  I spent so much worrying about Cameron and researching all that was going on with him that I didn't have time to really process how I felt about losing Cole.  Actually that is not true. I had the time and I did process it, I did find myself experiencing all kinds of emotions.  But I put off really dealing with it until he arrived...until it was 'over'.  I think one of biggest things that made me stuck in this phase of my grief was that until Cole was born he was still apart of me.  If I didn't move ahead in the grief then I was still closer to him.  And I also think that I believed that once Cole was born I would be able to 'finish' my grief and move on.  And that was SO not the case.  It hit me like a ton of bricks once Cameron was home, once I realized I was only bringing one baby home.  I just wanted to forget that it had happened at times.  I wanted to go back in time so badly.  I didn't want to push forwards, I wanted to relive everything up until he had died over and over so that I didn't have to move ahead. 

Dr. H. Norman Wright says, "Many of the right things to do in life are the most difficult things to do." 

Dear friend, even though you may be in the depths of despair and feel that God is faraway, now is the time to cling to whatever knowledge of Him you have. Today is the day to open your mind and heart for deeper understanding.

"If you hang on with whatever it is you know in your heart to be true about Him, then He will come through," says Janet Paschal. "That's a promise." 

My problem was that I didn't know what I believed in my heart about God and I didn't want to push myself to learn either.  I did know that he would wrap me in his loving embrace and I did know that my son was in the best place possible...I just wasn't so willing to accept that he was better off with God then he was with me.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber" (Psalm 121:1-3).
As I read the above line of scripture I kept hearing it sung in my head...it took me a bit to find the song it came from but I wasn't disappointed when I found it... it is, by far, one of the best songs for this blog....

"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth


Praising God in this storm of grief is so very hard but turning to the Lord, letting him take it all from you and wrap you in his loving arms... that can be easy if you let it.  By giving it to him and letting grief happen, you will slowly move forward, slowly find your way out of this darkness that is grief., 


 

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.
Lord God, sometimes this is so hard, even now, 4+ years in.  Sometimes being there for others, as I truly feel is my spiritual gift, as I truly feel is the place you are calling me to be, is so hard too.  I relive the loss over and over and sometimes that just hurts so much.   Please keep me from falling and help me to keep my eyes lifted to you.  Amen.