The First Principle of the Journey: Be Honest

Do you embrace honesty as a foundational principle in your life? 

If yes, then honestly evaluate your emotions right now. What emotions and struggles have you experienced from the first moment of your grief until now, including those you have not admitted to others? Be honest with yourself and with other people.
For a great many months the strongest emotion I think I felt that just didn't fit with grief in my mind was guilt.  I blogged a lot about it in start of my first blog... here and here. I lived with feelings of 'if only I had been overjoyed when I found out I was expecting twins', 'if only I had read more about the risks', 'if only I had more confidence in myself as the mom of twins or in us as parents able to financially care for twins'.  If only...if only.  Yeah, it got me NO WHERE!!!
The second greatest emotion I felt was confusion...which was tied to guilt to.  I didn't know how to feel because I hadn't been overjoyed about twins so maybe this was for the better. (oh, so guilt producing).  I was confused because I didn't know how to miss the son I had never met.  I was confused because I didn't really even understand what had happened and couldn't fathom why.

"When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away," says Anne Graham Lotz. "I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don't forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance."
There was a mountain of emotions and feelings that came out in the months and years of healing.  Shame at times at how I was dealing with it, the amount that I focused on loss in conversation and how much I didn't want to let it go as I wanted no one to forget we'd gone through this, no one to forget our son.  I felt loneliness and separation from my friends.  I was angry at times...not so much at the loss of Cole and of our 'twin dreams'/loss of Cameron's twin connection.... but more at the change my life had taken and how hard it was to deal with, how hard it was to find my way back to some sort of life.  I was fearful of what else could happen, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And I was exhausted...mentally, emotionally and physically....for months and months and months.

God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that "the truth will set you free." Read the book of John to learn more about Jesus' teaching, His truth, and true freedom.

John 1

1 

In the beginning the Word already existed.
    The Word was with God,
    and the Word was God.
² He existed in the beginning with God.
³ God created everything through him,
    and nothing was created except through him.
⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,^[a]
    and his life brought light to everyone.
⁵ The light shines in the darkness,
    and the darkness can never extinguish it.^[b]

¹⁸ No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God,^[g] is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.

The book of John is one of the first books I was told to read when I was born again in Christ.  I have read excerpts but it was not until I did this devotion that I actually read the book chapter for chapter.  Please read my next blog entry for some of the verses I find key to understanding who Christ was, what He did while he was here...what he is to us. 

Talk About It

Death is a part of life. Everyone experiences the death of a loved one.

"We are social beings, physical beings, and spiritual beings," says Rev. Clay Evans. "When you lose someone you are attached to, it is normal, it is natural, for you togrieve."

If grief is natural and is part of everyone's life, why is there a feeling of discomfort when someone mentions the death of a loved one? Why the embarrassment when tears come during an ordinary conversation? 
I can't count the number of times that this happened to me, happens to me.  I am having a conversation and something comes up and suddenly my voice catches, tears roll down my cheeks or I end the conversation quickly and turn and flee before that can happen.  It's unfortunate that it happens, it should not be this way.

People in grief may avoid their friends and even their church to prevent these awkward moments. This is not how it should be. Someone needs to move beyond the discomfort. Be the first one to squelch the prevailing attitude of embarrassment and unease, and start talking about grief

I remember sitting in the car outside the post office about 5 days after we lost Cole.  I was so afraid to go in.  I knew that I would see members of our community in there and I knew I would cry.  I forced myself to go in, dreading it with each step I took. 
In time I got better at being less uncomfortable with the unpredictable emotions inside of me and I also became better at just being me and not hiding my sorrow, not shirking from telling others about how I felt or abut our journey.


"Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 NASB).


Which of these sentences best describes you? Your spouse? Siblings? Children?
A. I like to open up and share deep-felt emotions as often as possible.
B. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than bring up the pain again by talking about it.

Every person has his or her own way of reacting to grief, and men and women often respond differently.



I am person A, the one who brings up grief, the one who talks about it. I am the elephant in the room at times and, truthfully, I don't care anymore.  I have had people speak to me about it and say that it makes others uncomfortable. Guess what, I don't care.  Society will never move forward in helping others to grieve if we don't allow them to do it in every situation.  Do I think that there is a time and a place for it?  Yes, for sure....I am the first to admit that I am not always the best at knowing when that is.  Thankfully it has gotten better.  But I won't stop. I certainly will NEVER stop showing how God has worked in my life through my grief.  Because although this post started being about the times where you get emotional and about being uncomfortable about that happening I will say that I am far more uncomfortable when someone comes to me and tells me that my conversations about my TTTS journey, my loss and how my faith has grown from that has made someone else uncomfortable.  I am uncomfortable because I know that I am doing the right thing, that I am being a witness to God's love and power and as I am new to being 'born again in Christ' I haven't got that 'like a water on a ducks back' kind of mentality yet.


"My husband still has a hard time just talking about it," says Dora, who lost her daughter. "I think his way of dealing with it is to dive into work, to avoid it, to not talk about it. Many times it causes problems between us because I want to talk about it. For me, it's like he's not validating my suffering by allowing me to share it with him. For him, it's as if I'm opening up his wounds by wanting him to share it with me." 

I am fortunate that Geoff is good about letting me share and not squelching me but he also does not return the 'favour', he does not share how he feels.  So many of my online women friends have this exact scenario in their lives.  Their husbands or partners shut them out, they shut them down when they want to talk about the child that TTTS stole from them.  They tend to feel very alone and very misunderstood. 

You cannot change another person to grieve in a way that pleases you, but you can give your concerns about that person to God and pray that he or she will someday open up and release those crippling emotions.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).


Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Lord God, it's so important that I share my emotions with others. Only You can soften a heart that is hardened. Once again, I give it to You. Amen.

Feeling the Need to Be in Control

When life seems to be spinning out of control, you may grasp whatever reins you can find and hang on. Holding those reins gives you a sense of being in control, not only of your life but, more specifically, of your emotions. Emotions can be frightening because they are the least controllable aspect of your nature. Men in particular feel the need to be in control. I am not a man, obviously, but I am someone who likes to be in control.  I remember when my water first broke and I ended up back at Mt. Sinai in Toronto again I was really struggling with my emotions.  I mean here I was 3 weeks post loss of one baby, facing the very early delivery of another, one whose prognosis was not good.  I met with a social worker and when she asked me what was bothering me the most I realized it was the lack of control I had over my life.  I could not move backwards and could not move ahead in my grief either as my dead son was still trapped in his earthly  body inside my body.  I could not prepare for his arrival, for the only moments I would get as a 'twin mom', the only time I would have my sons together.  I hated it, hated every second of it.  I wanted to be the one deciding everything and instead someone else decided everything for me... when I ate, what I ate, when I could leave my room and ultimately what was happening to my life.   "Most men are high on control," says Jim Grassi. "When tragedy strikes, it's a loss of control. You realize just how small you are in the scheme of things and that God is really the One in control. You must release that control and give it back to God and allow Him the full authority in your life." I did not want to that, I did not want God to have control even though I knew he had it.  It was so hard for me to accept that God had this one covered and I was just part of his plan.  Romans 8: 6-13 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. 9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ.10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e]his Spirit who lives in you. 12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. As long as you are fighting God for control, you will be the loser. Let it all go. Tell Him today that you are tired of fighting, that you want Him to have full authority in your life. Holy Spirit, I longed for that life and peace and I had no idea how to find it.  I was so lost and felt so alone.  But you were there for me  when the fight to be strong had depleted the last of my so-called resources. Thank you for taking my life and leading  me on the journey of healing. Amen.

Men in Grief

As you go through life, you fight stereotypes and popular misconceptions. Several notions exist about how "real men" should act in different situations. Take a moment to identify your own ideas about how men should "handle" grief. When did you form this opinion? Who modeled this behavior for you? Who might be looking to you as a role model? For me, I have always believed men to be the stronger of the two sexes with how they grieve.  I never expected them not to cry but have always felt they would be the one to 'hold' the women up.  I think I had always had a male role model who did express some grief, my dad.  I have distinct memories of him sitting us down and telling us when his father died very unexpectedly. I don't remember him crying, I was only 4, but I do remember him holding me really tight.  I was older when his mom died but she had been sick for so long and I think we were all more at peace with her death.  When my mom's father died     it was left to my dad to call people and tell them as my mom was at the hospital with my grandma and her sisters.  I remember him struggling to tell someone, hanging up the phone and putting his head on the counter and sobbing.  I was in high school and had already lost my boyfriend to leukemia, I was no stranger to death and grief.  But seeing my dad like this was hard.  We hugged for a long time that day and I think it was the start of moments we share for years that involved tears...of sorrow and of joy.   But other men in my life didn't express grief like this.  The boyfriend I mentioned was living with his best friend and his family at the time. I don't remember any of the men really crying at that time even though it was a horribly sad time.   Here are some comments from men who have experienced grief: "In our culture especially," says Rev. Noel Castellanos, "the whole macho thing is very prevalent. I think men are afraid to express their feelings. We haven't had too many people show us how to do that. I remember being very moved when I first became a believer as I saw strong Christian men who had the ability to cry and share their weakness and hurt." Virgil, whose wife died, observes, "Men, as little kids, are told not to cry and it carries through. To solve this problem, fathers should let their little boys cry. It doesn't hurt a thing. It's an emotion God gives us." I do not remember any of my brothers being told not to cry or being encouraged to 'man up'.  I am glad that is the case and know that I have seen all of them cry at some point or another.  My oldest brother came to Christ when he was around 25 and I have seen him moved to tears a few times.  It is amazing how God can work in us when we let him in. "Christ was a man's man," says Jim Grassi. "Eight of the twelve disciples were fishermen. At times, the disciples wept and they felt grief. They had all the normal emotions that God intended people to have." David, a warrior and king, pours out his emotions to God throughout the Psalms: "I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. . . . I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. . . . For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me" (Psalm 38:6, 8, 17). Romans 12:15 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 6  Men who seldom express emotions during normal times often find they do not have the tools needed to express their grief in times of bereavement. Their ideas of how a man should behave can hinder the healthy expression of their emotions.  Dr. Larry Crabb says: "Men are real problems and I am one of them. In a way that is different from women, men demand to be able to manage things. A man will naturally not move into chaotic situations where he hasn't got a plan. "Emotions are probably the least controllable thing about our existence. So when a man begins to honestly face his emotions, his worst terror begins to be realized. He thinks to himself, If I face what's really happening in my soul, I won't have the resources to handle it; I won't come up with a formula or a game plan." I think this is why we see so many women who go to others when there has been a loss...bearing food and offering hands of physical support and shoulders to cry on.  Men might tag along but not as often and when they do it's not tears that are often shed.  They don't know how to react because they don't have a plan, because they don't know how to plan. In the Bible, Jacob found it very difficult to move on and to accept comfort. "Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. 'No,' he said, 'in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.' So his father wept for him" (Genesis 37:34-35). Men tend to grieve alone and to express very little about what they are feeling. But keeping emotions bottled up inside slows the healing process. I saw this off and on with Geoff, my husband.  He would cry and show he was upset and frustrated but so often there were no words to go a long with that outward expression. He could not seem to form the words to express how he was feeling.  It was like he was sad for me but not for himself.  He kept saying how it hurt him to see me so sad and hurting, that he just wanted to take away my pain. And while I appreciated that and felt supported, I could not understand why he wasn't feeling the same way. Dr. Norman Peart says, "Men are taught that they should not express their emotions because that is a sign of weakness. In reality, expressing emotions is a sign of health because it means you are working through those emotions. You have to be honest with yourself; you do hurt."  God wants you to pour out your emotions to Him: "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8). Lord God, I understand that the power and strength to heal come from You and not my own ability. I give my life and my struggles to You. I know that You want me to release my emotions to You and to others. I know you have given me gifts to do this and that you wish for me to help others, men and women, Give me the opportunity and the courage to do that. Help me to uncork my bottled emotions so my healing can continue and in that, help me to share this so that I can help others to search their  hearts for those emotions that they have bottled up as well.  Amen.

Women and Men Grieve Differently

Women tend to approach grief differently than men. Often women have a network of friends and relationships already in place, providing them an opportunity for deep personal sharing. Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to vent your emotions, and God uses other people to help you heal. 
I think back to the days, weeks, months and even years since Cole passed away and marvel at the people God has brought into my life...and me into theirs.  Obviously there are many, many women and a few men who have walked the TTTS path.  But there are a great many other people who God has brought to me, to my life.  People who randomly share something of grief or crisis with me without even knowing that I have lost a child.  A woman who rented our trailer from me a few summers ago who had lost a child to a rare genetic syndrome when she was only 3 months old.  They rented the trailer to attend a fundraiser for this syndrome in which their daughter was being honoured.  Came out in total casual conversation...but what is casual about the loss of a child.
A supply staff member who came in one day and randomly told me that she had adopted a child who had special needs and had been premature.  I told her I had a preemie too and that he was a twin.  Her next sentence was "I have twin grandsons but my daughter lost them in pregnancy to a rare syndrome called TTTS". That is just a few of the many 'coincidences' that I have experienced.  They aren't coincidences...they are God helping me to share my story and my grief to help me share my healing.  
"Men don't share with each other like women do. They want to get on and get beyond it a lot faster than women do," says Pastor Buck Buchanan. "My advice for them is to get involved in a grief group where they can be encouraged."
This is very true in our house.  Geoff doesn't talk as often about Cole as I do though he is most definitely more open about it then many men. But he doesn't share it with other men really and most definitely has not shared it in a group or even thought of being part of a group.  He struggles with his own mental health issues and even in all the support he has gotten there he has told me that he rarely talks about grief, loss or even Cole with the professionals he sees.
I think if everyone could just open up the idea of sharing for healing they would feel so much more capable of healing.  
Healing will resume when you stop trying to accomplish it by your own strength. God will move through you with His power that far exceeds your own.

2 Corinthians 12

 ⁹  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lord, I need to be honest. Sometimes the pain is unbearable, even now, more then 4 years after you brought my son home to you. You have given me the courage to be real with others and to embrace Your power. You have given me the strength, skills and confidence to share my journey, my grief and my testimony with others and I thank you and praise you for this.  Please help me to continue to share, especially on those difficult days. Amen.

You Cannot Go Back, You Can't Stay Here

You Cannot Go BackRemember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there.

"I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can't go back. You can't stay here. You must go forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go." 
I just wanted to go back…I wanted to be pregnant again with two living babies, I wanted to remember every second of the pregnancy with joy.  I wanted to pretend I'd never  heard the words Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome and I certainly wanted to forever forget the words "I'm sorry Mrs. Tummers, this baby has no heartbeat...your baby has died".....

The journey of grief is one that you must ultimately decide to complete. You cannot remain where you are right now. Time moves forward, and so must you.

And even after that I wanted to stay in the present and not move to the future at times.  I didn't want my pregnancy to end because that meant every physical connection I had to Cole would be over.
And once it was all 'over' I wanted to go back desperately again or stay in the present where I could be as sad and miserable as I wanted because everyone expected it.  Actually that isn't really true...people expected it when I first lost Cole but in time I know there were many who thought I should focus on Cameron and his life while I was still pregnant and most definitely when he was a newborn.  I think I was so afraid that if I moved on people would forget Cole. And this feeling didn't end for a very long time... I struggled with it up to and beyond a year after my boys were born.   
"You can't stay here because God's Word is always going forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. 

In Philippians 3:14 Paul says that he moved forward toward "the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (NASB). The Christian life is not static. It is a walk with God that moves you forward into a larger life with God.

Letting go and moving ahead is so hard at times and it often can't happen until you are truly ready.  I wish I'd known how much God could have helped me to feel ready, to feel supported and secure.  

God's Word speaks to you clearly: "I have set before you life . . . now choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19).

Deuteronomy 30

¹⁵ “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. ¹⁶ For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lordyour God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

¹⁹ “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! ²⁰ You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This^[b] is the key to your life. And if you love and obey theLord, you will live long in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

The Lord's plan for your life is pure and simple during this time of grief: "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8 NASB).

Yes, Lord, I do choose life. May I simply walk with You. Take my hand and guide me through every moment of this day. Amen.

Grief Can Feel Unending

You feel as though you've been in this pit, this dark tunnel, on this roller-coaster ride, far too long. Will this grief never end?
I know I felt like that when I began my grief blog about 6 months after my boys were born.  I just felt like I was in a pit and I wasn’t moving forward. I really felt like I could not see any light in the dark tunnel I was in.  I just wanted it to hurry up and be over, just wanted the light to come.

"There is no microwave healing. There's no way you can just zap it, and you're better. God's healing takes time, but morning will come," says Barbara Johnson.
Psalm 30:5

⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning.

What signs of daybreak do you see in your life? If you are walking blindly in the darkness of despair, look to the God of light to show you the way.
There is so much daybreak in my life now…even in the darkness that threatens my life in other areas then grief I can still see light, I can still

2 Corinthians 4:18

We don't focus on the things that can be seen but on the things that can't be seen. The things that can be seen don't last, but the things that can't be seen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 7:11

 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.

Lord Jesus, sometimes it feels like our grief will never end. Show us patches of sunlight in our lives  today that will spur us on with a healing hope. Help us to seek your word and find proof that it will get better, that you are there and will bring the light back to your lives.  Amen